all at sea

This was a hard week.

I've been quite stupidly ridiculously lucky and since I was 17 have been pretty much exclusively in the company of pro-queer, pro-feminist clever liberal types. And while during that time I've had to deal with people who were not any of those things I've done it through the lens of having regular affirming acceptance of my ideals, my beliefs, my sexuality. Which I always knew was actually pretty unusual, but it's one thing to know and it's another thing to actually live it, as I am now finding out.

I am glad in a funny stupid sort of way; it's a great way of hardening my feminist resolve, of reminding me of my privilege as an articulate intelligent person. And yet it's too hard.

I've never been an adult queer in an unwelcome environment. Avoidance of unwelcoming environments has dictated some very important choices in my life so being forced to be here isn't wonderful. And I just found out my first school placement (this course is 50% taught at uni, 50% practical placement) is in a Roman Catholic school which, according to its website, thinks that drawing pictures of dead relatives and saints is an appropriate activity for 8 year olds! Pagan queer feminist teacher in a rough inner city catholic school... yeah I'm nervous.

I just feel isolated at the moment, in a way I haven't done since I was... yeah 17. There are so many ways in which my attitudes towards things my coursemates take for granted are so different as to be alien to them( ; ie. they say:little girls are naturally sweeter and like dolls and boys have more energy I say: mostly behaviour which is induced by society, AND I don't see the difference in energy just in ways people let them express that. they say: I don't care how many civil liberties the government encroaches it if might save one life. I say: arag!! well no actually I respond with coherent if extremely simple arguments against their crazy right wing conservativeness, but inside I am saying ARAG!!

coming out is a process. I always knew that, but it feels like I keep having to come out as so many different things at once. Like when someone said "so you're a feminist to me" yesterday like I'd confessed I enjoyed dismembering puppies in my spare time, or when I talked about an ex-girlfriend during lunch one day and the whole group perceptibly moved away. Or indeed pretty much any time I express any opinion about anything. And I know this is most likely what most people go through, and I probably sound whiny and naive but I really hadn't expected it would be like this; so overwhelming and isolating.


And that's my life at the moment, which combined with a whole load of other shit is making me feel really really crap... I'm trying to keep it together, to remember why I'm here, why I'm doing this, who really matters. But urgh. Ad next weekend I have to go play nice at my parents 25 wedding anniversary, which is actually the absolute last thing I need to do right now.

But even though the people I really love are a very long way away right now they are still trying to be there for me. I spent 2 hours yesterday on the phone to a friend who hates the phone. It's just hard to remember how loved and supported you are in the moment you're feeling the hate.

Any advice on how to deal with dense conservatives who believe whole hearted in the patriarchy and are so hetero normal as to not even understand what that means will be more than appreciated.

Princess Leia made me a feminist

I know it's been a while since I posted but I've been busy in land of joyTM, also known as Norway and buying a car and other mundanities since I returned. There are many exciting posts backlogged now, including an article on Virgina Woolf and Iran (together not 2 separate articles) that I wrote on a train, two band reviews and a number of other sundry musings.

But before any of that I saw this story today and I had to blog about it, it came as no surprise to me, I've watched the original 3 movies so many times that I actually know a lot of it off by heart. As a 10 year old girl I actually knew the entirety of those three movie of by heart. And not just because they where cool sci-fi films. Nope, Star Wars changed my world. It wasn't the first of my great existential moments of childhood, of which I shall say more in a later post, but it was the experience that made me a feminist.

I mean Princess Leia is a pretty amazing role model. She's an experienced politician, and while ok she is beautiful it is, in the first 2 original movies, a beauty without vanity, prepared to get down and dirty with the rebellion. She's a leader, valued for her intelligence and her passionate commitment to a political course. She's a fighter, in fact she's the best shot out of anyone in the original star wars films. And she doesn't just sit and wait for stuff to happen to her, she instigates, she's more important than her love interest and he isn't threatened by that. Their relationship is based on antagonism sure but also respect. I challenge you to find a better feminist role model in the movies for children growing up in the 80's and 90's. There was really very little there.

Which is the key for me really. Growing up in the deepest darkest back waters of west wales I had no feminist role models apart from my grandmother and the kick ass feminist attitude of ones then 60 year old grandma is rarely apparent to 10 year olds. I lived in a household where women waited on and took care of men. Where men could and did use physical violence and the threat of physical violence to silence women and 10 year old girls. I lived in a society where intelligence, especially and particularly female intelligence, was a bad thing. And where male and female relationships were based on the physical attractiveness of women, not their fesitiness or abilities. In that context Star Wars didn't just give me hope, it showed me what to hope for. And gave me a massive crush on Harrison Ford that I still can't quite get over....

Writing this has reminded me that I've been wanting for a long time to write a series of essays on female characters relationships as models for their fans relationships. Maybe I'll post them up here. I could cover how the Sarah and Jareth relationship in Labyrinth has left a generation of intelligent women with a david bowie fetish (or according to one of my ex-girlfriends a significant penis fear... but that's an entirely different story), and examine how her self actualisation is only achieved through rejecting powerful symbols of patriarchal oppression.

Or how Spike and Buffy's relationship on BtVS is a direct consequence of the psychological affects of the Han and Leia and Sarah and Jareth relationship on the audience physche; same generation was the key audience for all three shows. Buffy has a relationship based on mutual antagonism and respect, but which also has a phase of jareth like obsession and possessive behaviour which is only resolved when she rejects his power over her through self determination.
The relationships of key characters in shows can actually be seen to reflect the growing rise of feminism and, in turn, the changing feminist struggles of its audience....

I could write a brilliant doctorate on this, if only I was doing a phd in television or media or something. Instead I got in the Warwick PGCE course and shall be studying there next year. I am very excited, I mean this will pay the bills and I'll have the chance to shape and mold young minds. Apparently some people find it slightly disturbing the way I start moving my hands like a puppet master of tiny invisible puppets everytime I say that....

But yes to swing back on topic. Princess Leia is why I because a feminist. Not many people can say that.

Crystals

i've got a big review of an amazing gig that I went to on tuesday night to give you. But I've been busy so I haven't finished it. So instead we're going to talk about crystals. I'm going around the world, as you, my faithful non-existent readership know, and as a pagan I've been thinking about what supplies of the magical* type I should bring along. I'm toying with the idea of brining my tarot cards, because well, I'm travelling round the world alone and there's nothing like telling peoples fortunes to make friends, right? But I want to bring along some protection. And that, to me, means crystals.

I've used crystals since before I ever considered myself pagan. Gemstones and plain old stone stones, for various purposes. Aged 11 I brought my first two crystals on a family holiday in Lyme Regis; a tigers eye and an obsidian. I needed grounding and induitivly picked some of the best stones for grounding. The moral of that sotry; buy what ever stone you want to buy on the day. Don't question it.

This weekend I went to this local healing fair and knew that I wanted to buy some yellow jasper. Unfortunatly there wasn't any there. So on Tuesday, after getting my Hep A, B, Typhoid and Rabies jabs (I still feel nauseous :( ) I headed here, a local restuarant and crystal shop (crazy combination I know, they also sell clothes!). They didn't have any yellow jasper either. However I did buy a load of other tiny stones, with the intent of making my self a sort of medicine bag type thing.

I picked up some Pyrite, Amethyst, Aventurine, Bloodstone and Lapis Lazuli. Last night I popped down to my spitual home and picked up some tiny little pebbles to go in it as well.
So far so good. Now I just have to cleanse them all, make something small and unobtrusive to put them in and find a small enough piece of obsidian to add to the haul.
Oh and some Yellow jasper, because I still want some! And a load of tiny quatrz shards as offerings for the various places I come across that deserve them. Why does everything end up being more work than you think?

I am sooooo busy organising stuff for my round the world, and my lovely jaunt to Norway next week, and my two days in an infant school as part of ongoing post-grad plans, and driving to Cardiff to purchase essentials for my round the world. Oh and working. And of course writting. I'm getting worried I won't be ready for June the 4th.


*yes that's write I don't go all 17th century and write it iwth a k. ha

Newport Gwent, worth 6 hours on a train?

I am heading to Newport later today, a city that has absolutely nothing to recommend it, save for the fact that my nice ex-boyfriend who I am going to visit lives there. I only have time to go for the day (which is pretty stupid as it's a 3 hr train journey each way, but I am so stupidly busy, with loads of forms to fill out for my post-graduate plans next year (I'm already a graduate but what I was planning to do with my life, ie emigrate to Norway, didn't entirely work out so now I'm pursuing other more conventional post-grad options to fund my years as a struggling novelist (I wish there were still patrons. I currently live in a garret anyhow, albeit a garret amazingly decorated by my dad into looking like Dagobah.... (It was my brothers bedroom), I'm currently living with my rentals, which is a barrel of decaying fish that I would love to share with you another time, but to swing wildly back on point, a garret would be more creatively satisfying if I was being sponsored by some lecherous rich person.... ah well I shall have to settle for earning my own crust, to which end I am making plans for next year)
Anywho I'm so busy with all that and translation work and planning my epic journey around the world in 87 days (not quite the same ring as 80, but still around the world is the important thing...) that I can only take one day out for this trip to Newport. But, sweet journo ex boyfriend (who traveled to the Arctic by train to visit me; I inspire devotion obviously ;) ) aside, I think one day in Newport will be more than enough.